It’s not all fun you know, lockdown.
Not that you probably think it is either, but it’s necessary, for sure, But
even at times like these we still only have a habit of putting the best of
ourselves online and neglecting to share the rest.
Although you most probably don’t really want to know about such
things as I just washed the dishes, or vacuumed the stairs, or replaced a bulb
in the bedside lamp yes I am quite handy to have around sometimes. Nor how long
I been staring at trees watching leaves unfurl or the times, a lot actually,
when I flop on the bed utterly fatigued at the end, or sometimes middle, of a
day drinking in the lack of scenic views my ceiling offers It’s not overly
interesting either knowing what comfort food I’ve just made for lunch, though I
have just baked the most brilliant pudding that will last me days.
You definitely don’t want to know the times I feel utterly
useless, or when I almost scream, missing the university atmosphere, even the
lectures, the library, coffee shops, my life-class modelling work, which pays when
I do it and not when I don’t, so a loss of income there. That kind of ‘when will it end’-feeling just sometimes
overwhelms. You won’t want to know about the angst I can go through choosing
which socks to wear that day nor how slowly I can eat chocolate trying, trying,
trying to make it last as long as I possibly can while fighting my instinct to
gobble it all down within minutes. I’m right-handed, which isn’t very interest
either, see more mundane stuff, and apparently I have a pretty good left-hook, I’m
told. Not an actual hook, I’m not a Peter Pan pirate.
When I get low I really
get low, like lower than a worm burrowing as fast as they can to escape a
hungry birds beak. Though I full-well know everyone does to different degrees
for sure. Sometimes it feels like we are all being consumed by
social-distancing and self-isolation, our chatter, our behaviour, the
headlines, the advice, social media, all reminding us to stay away from each
other. Of course, it’s all for good reasons but it doesn’t stop it feeling
draining. You definitely don’t want a blow-by-blow wordy account of me crying
here online just with the effort of everything.
Keeping physically busy helps, as a Covid Volunteer, for instance, and active with exercise, yoga,
running, all obvious mindful stuff to do to stay sane but in the end it can’t
stop the brain mulling over it all, especially when waking up in the middle of
the night wondering if you spent the last few hours asleep holding your breath,
all so seriously disorienting.
I always remind myself however bad a day I’m having, someone is
having it worse, far worse. Sometimes that doesn’t really help to know or even
tell yourself that, but it’s true for certain.
Off to make dinner now, probably a spaghetti thing, which again is
probably something of totally no interest to you. Hugs, stay safe and home and
keep sane, or sort of.
~x
